Headline on ESPN.com: Colorado interviews Hawkins, Embree.
The Rockies looking for middle relievers? Nope. Someone’s gotta coach the Buffaloes now that Gary Barnett’s “Rape is fine, but stay bowl-eligible” ass is gone.
One possible positive from this situation (aside from the obivious lack of Barnett) would be the hiring of Jon Embree, giving NCAA Division I schools a whopping four black football head coaches.
I was considering writing a lengthy entry about how ridiculous this whole “holiday tree” and “war on Christmas” battle has become, but nothing I type could possibly hold a non-denominational candle to this.
My little brother gets married to his high school sweetheart today!
Once a must-read, Dan Shanoff’s “Daily Quickie” on ESPN.com has been on such a downward slope for the past 18 months, it’s almost unbelievable to think I used to start my day with it.
Following ESPN’s lead, Shanoff has decided to make outrageous, illogical claims about all things sports, with little to back him up save for quotes that work better on sports talk radio than in reality. His “reasoning” behind choosing Steve Nash for MVP may be the worst example of thinking something through since my high school girlfriend yelled at me for telling her the same thing both too soon and not soon enough.
Every week something is anointed as “the best ever.” It used to be “the best of the (conveniently named) ESPN era,” but Shanoff’s addiction to irresponsible hyperbole got the better of him. We’ve had the “best postseason ever,” “best performance ever” in about 8 different sports, the “most dominant athletes ever,” “best sports weekend ever,” “best sports weekday ever,” “best NCAA opening round ever,” and a host of other superlatives that are both desensitizing and wrong. What does it say when Barry Bonds’ 2001 season gets the same treatment from Shanoff as some random 14-over-3 upset in the NCAA tourney?
Today’s column is a perfect example of why the Quickie will soon join the work of Scoop Jackson, Joe Morgan, Jason Whitlock, and John Kruk on the list of ESPN articles I refuse to read based on author alone.
Shanoff starts by comparing Tony Graffanino’s error last night in Game Two of the ALDS to both Bill Buckner’s error in the 1986 World Series and the until recently ubiquitous “Curse of the Bambino.” You want hyperbole? Let’s try comparing Babe Ruth to Mark Freakin’ Bellhorn! Let’s try comparing a team that was one strike away from winning the World Series to one that had a four-run lead in Game Two of the first round of the playoffs. Let’s try comparing a fielding error to Grady Little’s still unbelievable decision to leave Pedro Martinez in about three batters too long in the 2003 ALCS. Let’s try calling David Wells an “ALDS Choker” when he gave up two earned runs in 6 1/3 innings – a quality start, for those keeping score at home.
I’d start on Shanoff’s complete inability to grasp the definition of the word “irony” (hint: it’s not coincidence), but that’s a problem that plagues a large segment of the population.
But that’s only the first section of today”s Quickie. Shanoff then claims that T-Graff’s (yeah, that nickname won’t stick) error saved A-Rod from being the goat of the night. The analysis that follows is typical Shanoff: take a single, out of the ordinary play and use it as “proof” that A-Rod isn’t the MVP (you know, as opposed to all the good plays he made throughout the season). Follow that by claiming David Ortiz is more valuable as a DH because he can’t make errors.
Hell, by that rationale, I’m even more valuable, because as someone who’s not on the roster, I can’t make errors or even get out! I don’t think I’m out of line when I suggest that an MVP is someone who succeeds at the chances they’re given, rather than someone who is kept away from opportunities to fail.
And just to prove that Shanoff should think before he types, he contradicts himself in the “Odds & Ends” portion of the Quickie, deciding to attribute the Red Sox’ loss to Boston’s lack of clutch hitting in the final four innings of the game. If the Red Sox win their two games at home this weekend, expect Shanoff to write a full “Boston’s got the magic” section, as well as a claim that it’s the “best comeback ever.”
Well I’m off to the Big Apple for my professional New York stage debut.
The show is at the HERE Center, if any readers are interested in buying tickets.
ABC Television News is reporting that FBI Assistant Director during Watergate W. Mark Felt has outed himself as Deep Throat in a new article in Vanity Fair. If true, this would render Boston University’s own Bob “The Only Thing Bigger Than This Secret Is My Ego” Woodward completely irrelevant.
The biggest secret in America now becomes the identity of the subject of Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain.”
Thanks to Steve for finding the link.
Update: Woodward confirms it.
The national media is jumping on the story that home runs are down over the first five weeks of 2005. While 2.16 were hit per game over the same period last year, we’ve only seen 1.97 per game this year.
“Must be the steroid testing,” they say.
Not quite. Looking at the chart that accompanies the article, we can see that there have actually been more homers per game this year than in 2002 or 1997. There obviously wasn’t steroid testing those years, so what explains it? How about natural statistical variance? A change of roughly 8 percent lies well within what could be considered a normal fluctuation of the numbers.
Of course, that doesn’t stop some players from making more out of this than they should. Todd Jones, already a noted bigot and master of logic, “didn’t realize how deep” steroids had permeated baseball, what with the monstrous 8% dip. I can’t wait to see how Joe Morgan tries to use this information to “prove” his ability to even remotely understand statistical analysis.
My high school ranks as the 305th best in the country, according to Newsweek. Their methodology is, as Steve points out, suspect at best. Here’s how they did it:
the number of Advanced Placement (AP) and/or International Baccalaureate (IB) tests taken by all students at a school in 2004, divided by the number of graduating seniors.
So if you want to boost your ranking, you have two options: either get more graduating seniors to take IB/AP tests, OR…
Graduate fewer seniors. Wouldn’t a school with a huge achievement gap between AP/IB “fast track” students and those “I could be a ditchdigger?“-types who Brian taught in “The Family Guy” on Sunday outrank a school full of Lake Wobegon-esque students who are all above-average but not outstanding? And doesn’t that tell you all you need to know about trusting Newsweek to rank the top thousand or so out of nearly 28,000 American high schools?
The starting pitchers for last Saturdays’ Yankees/Blue Jays game? Bush and Wang. I’d make some comment about Wang getting pulled prematurely before he could beat Bush, but…oh wait, I just did.
1) The Dear Abbeys, Boston University’s best a cappella group, won the national championship. As someone who played football with some of them, I must congratulate them on such an accomplishment.
2) BU found the female orgasm! Coincidentally, this is also the first article I have successfully submitted to the fine people at fark.com. Check out the O-centric comments here.