NFL Limericks, Part I
Sure, some people write haikus to preview the NFL season, but aren’t they a little wussy for such a macho sport? The NFL is the sport of booze-swilling misogynistic beerbellies. So if any poetry fits, it’s the limerick. In honor of Opening Day, here’s my first installment of NFL Team Preview Limericks.
Selection of teams was completely random. If you don’t see your favorite club today, you will by Monday night.
Dallas Cowboys
There once was a QB named Carter
Who compared to a dunce was no smarter
He did some cocaine
(Now that takes half a brain)
And now Testaverde’s the starter!
Miami Dolphins
A running back who went by “Ricky”
Did something that was rather dicky
He jumped on a boat
To see sites and smoke dope
Now the Fins fans feel pretty sicky.
New England Patriots
The big man in Boston is Brady
(both with the men and the ladies)
Can two Superbowl teams
With a year in between
Make Boston forget about Grady?
Detroit Lions
The Lions’ offense will be scary
Grabbing but three yards per carry.
Their strong conference foes
Will compound on these woes
Are you sure they can’t unretire Barry?
Arizona Cardinals
Cardinals coach Dennis Green
Does nothing but bitch, moan, and scream.
And since ASU
Could beat their pants off, too
Why does the state still have a team?
Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles’ offensive attack
Will put them ahead of the pack.
Despite their great offseason
My bold prediction’s reason
Is that I like McNabb ’cause he’s black.
Kansas City Chiefs
A team that is led by a Priest
(An incredible offensive beast)
Often scores 44
But gives up seven more.
Well they molest defenses, at least.
San Francisco 49ers
Without T.O. and Garcia
The Niners say, “Postseason: see ya!”
Plus they lost Streets and Hearst
Their offseason: the worst.
And their future smells like diarrhea.