The Old Blog

First two words out of Dubya’s mouth in tonight’s debate? “September 11th.”

Jason Whitlock mans the shovel again. He’s up to his neck now.

Oh yeah, and name that SNL sketch.

The Last Starfighter: the Musical. Now all they need is Flight of the Navigator.

It’s been a rough week here at SAW–rough enough to finally live up to the name of the blog. The good part is, it’s over, and the only lasting damage is that to my car, which was hit by some chick who was learning to drive a stick last night–apparently not learning quickly enough, however.

Unlike Ms. Stick Shift, I have finally found a good direction to travel. Let’s just say things won’t be so uphill.

Happy late Rosh Hashanah (via Andrew Kambour).

It’s been a few days, but here’s the third installment. In case you missed them and are too lazy to scroll down a couple entries, here are parts one and two.

Houston Texans
The Texans: expansion no more
And great expectations galore
But before this new team
Can fulfill its fans dreams
They need to find out how to score

Indianapolis Colts
Indiana, you whine and you whine
So much the league should levy fines
Though you have some great stats
You just can’t beat the Pats
Or come back when you’re falling behind

Minnesota Vikings
“Culpepper got smarter this summer”
That headline is always a bummer
‘Cause the past couple years
Have ended in tears
That could only be cured by a hummer

New Orleans Saints
The Saints have some talented players
And Joe Horn has plenty of flair
But bad execution
Will halt the solution
To N’Awlins fans’ unanswered prayers.

New York Giants
The G-Men last year went and quit
After playing all season like shit
Will Eli or Kurt
Give the playoffs a flirt
Or reach December in a snit?

New York Jets
Chadwick Pennington and C-Mart
Are already off to great starts
Of course these two guys
Could get cut down to size
If their knees once again fall apart

Oakland Raiders
“The Black Hole” is Oakland fans’ lingo
Though the players were born before Ringo
How can you win a game
When your roster’s so lame
That their post-game excitement is bingo?

Washington Redskins
The Skins name may be controversial
(They keep it because it’s commercial)
Can Joe Gibbs reclaim
His great coaching name
When he hasn’t been active since Herschel?

What does it mean when you have a dream in which you’re driving, then suddenly go blind for a couple minutes?

I’d sit here and ponder that, but I have a carload of friends to drive outstate with today.

Update (9/14/04)
After a dead battery and starter and $500 out of my checking account, I’m going with omen.

I have no clue how accurate it is, but this is pretty cool. Apparently they get their information from here.

(Hat tip to Steve for telling me about this.)

Here it is, the second installment of my NFL Limericks. If you missed the first, click here for an explanation.

Atlanta Falcons
Though Vick struggled in the preseason
That certainly isn’t a reason
To give up the dreams
Of the Atlanta team
To do so would almost be treason

Baltimore Ravens
Lewis runs 800 times
Behind the Ravens’ o-line
His legs will fall off
The pundits will scoff
At the Birds, come postseason time

Buffalo Bills
Will Travis or Willis get starts?
Or will the whole thing come apart?
It matters not, though
In the Bills’ pass-first “O”
Man, failing to run ain’t so smart!

Carolina Panthers
Though close to the Bowl win last year
The Panthers won’t get quite so near
Now all are aware
Of the talent in there
So Cats fans have something to fear

Chicago Bears
Would a Bears player dare show his face
If they finish again in last place?
The great Windy City
In three weeks won’t be pretty
When they’re already out of the race

Cincinnati Bengals
The “Bungles” their nickname no longer
The team got mightily stronger
Though you know 8 and 8
Still isn’t that great
It’s better than Ms. Darva Conger!

Denver Broncos
Shanahan’s team will do fine
It seems with their offensive line
That Griffin will run
For twelve hundred-and-one
While his backup sits on his behind

Green Bay Packers
The Packers will ride Favre and Green
To become a postseason team
But come to the Dome
(The Vikings’ old home)
And watch the Green Bay faithful scream!

Sure, some people write haikus to preview the NFL season, but aren’t they a little wussy for such a macho sport? The NFL is the sport of booze-swilling misogynistic beerbellies. So if any poetry fits, it’s the limerick. In honor of Opening Day, here’s my first installment of NFL Team Preview Limericks.

Selection of teams was completely random. If you don’t see your favorite club today, you will by Monday night.

Dallas Cowboys
There once was a QB named Carter
Who compared to a dunce was no smarter
He did some cocaine
(Now that takes half a brain)
And now Testaverde’s the starter!

Miami Dolphins
A running back who went by “Ricky”
Did something that was rather dicky
He jumped on a boat
To see sites and smoke dope
Now the Fins fans feel pretty sicky.

New England Patriots
The big man in Boston is Brady
(both with the men and the ladies)
Can two Superbowl teams
With a year in between
Make Boston forget about Grady?

Detroit Lions
The Lions’ offense will be scary
Grabbing but three yards per carry.
Their strong conference foes
Will compound on these woes
Are you sure they can’t unretire Barry?

Arizona Cardinals
Cardinals coach Dennis Green
Does nothing but bitch, moan, and scream.
And since ASU
Could beat their pants off, too
Why does the state still have a team?

Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles’ offensive attack
Will put them ahead of the pack.
Despite their great offseason
My bold prediction’s reason
Is that I like McNabb ’cause he’s black.

Kansas City Chiefs
A team that is led by a Priest
(An incredible offensive beast)
Often scores 44
But gives up seven more.
Well they molest defenses, at least.

San Francisco 49ers
Without T.O. and Garcia
The Niners say, “Postseason: see ya!”
Plus they lost Streets and Hearst
Their offseason: the worst.
And their future smells like diarrhea.