After a weekend of playing in Vermont and coming back to beat my friend Bob’s sorry ass three times (he’s used to it; he’s a Red Sox fan), I can only conclude that I should be one of the original inductees into the Whiffle Ball Hall of Fame.
Four years ago today, Hillary Johnson became my girlfriend and made me the luckiest guy in the world.
And if that wasn’t enough, today is Left-Hander’s Day! This southpaw is doubly blessed.
An 87-year-old man drove his car around some barricades and into a humongous hole in the road (click on the link for a funny picture of it). Of course, it wasn’t his fault. He told police that “the sun was in his eyes,” which is just about the best euphemism for cataracts I’ve ever heard.
eBay reversed its decision to ban Canadian artist John Steins’ “Axis of Weasels” playing cards, blaming the whole episode on an unnamed employee (read: bad PR).
Vincent Gallo, whose movie “The Brown Bunny” was panned mercilessly after it screened in Cannes three months ago, is claiming credit for Roger Ebert’s recently discovered cancer. Ebert, who wrote a scathing review of the film during the festival (that I unfortunately cannot find online in its complete form) and brings it up three times in his most recent “Movie Answer Man” column, recently revealed his plans to undergo chemotherapy for his strange-sounding cancer of the salivary gland. Gallo had previously claimed to have put a curse on Ebert’s prostate, but apparently missed his mark.
Here it is: the Dubya-in-a-flight-suit Action Figure.
I’d make some cynical comment, but it might be drowned out by the sounds of me gagging on my own vomit.
Come to think of it, that could have been my headline on December 13, 2000.
But no, the headline comes from the following search that brought someone to my blog: http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=Jon+Westling+brother+organized+crime&spell=1.
You see, Billy Bulger, the President of the University of Massachusetts, has a brother named Whitey who has been on the lam for decades. Billy has refused to give out any info that could lead to his brother’s capture, and finally stepped down amidst the pressure.
Jon Westling was merely the former President of my alma mater, kind of a Himmler to John Silber’s Hitler (or Batman to Silber’s Robin, if you are some sort of conservative reactionary–or a The Cheat to Silber’s Strong Bad if you are a H*R fan).
William Ligue and his son, the two imbeciles who ran onto the field and attacked Kansas City Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa, were “sentenced” today. That is, the judge called it a sentence, while most people would consider it slightly less damaging than a hug. Gamboa, who was drunk and theoretically watching children during the game, ran onto the field with his son and attacked an elderly, unarmed man–causing hearing damage, yet only received 30 months of probation for the sickening act. His son received five years probation and 30 hours of community service–hardly a fitting punishment for the crime. You know what I would have done? Sent the two rejects into the Kansas City clubhouse with the team present and locked the doors for 30 minutes.
As a stroke of poetic justice, I can only hope that the next elderly driver to accidentally mow down some pedestrians hit these two. Maybe then they’ll know what it’s like to be blindsided and beaten up.
Ah-nold’s in. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today during the taping of the Tonight Show that he indeed plans to run for governor of California. He joins Arianna Huffington, Gary Coleman, Larry Flynt, Darrell Issa (the man who initiated the recall), and many more.
Right now, I’d rank them this way, in terms of likelihood of winning:
Schwarzenegger (an actor, like former Cali governor Reagan)
Issa (he’s been in politics the longest, but being the man behind the recall campaign won’t sit well with some)
Huffington (has never held office, but is the best-looking candidate–an important quality in California)
Flynt (he’ll get hardcore support from, well, hardcore supporters; none from the family-values types)
Coleman (small guy, small vote total–the biggest joke of this bunch)
I heard someone say yesterday that creating political satire is becoming impossible, due to the circus surrounding real-life politics. I’m inclined to believe them (outside of the Daily Show, of course).
Update: Issa cried as he bowed out of the race Thursday. This leaves the field looking thusly:
Arnold
Arianna
Larry
Gary
