The Old Blog

How can a town so small have a police blotter so funny?

If I told you about a man who, in an attempt to move his car forward, accidentally backed into the car behind him, then panicked and shot forward, hitting three lampposts and thirteen (thirteen!) Jehovah’s Witnesses, how old would you think he was?

That’s right, 78.

Mandatory road tests every two years for all citizens older than the speed limit. It needs to happen.

On the other hand, the mixed feelings I have about Jehovah’s Witnesses getting hit by a car are analogous to my feelings about Carl Everett getting hit in the head by a cellphone thrown from the upper deck(!): it shouldn’t happen, but it’s an amusing person/group to have it happen to.

The Ewing Theory applied to marriage: Nicole Kidman continues her starward ascent, as she gives up her ex-hubby Tom Cruise’s fake religion.

PS: In the above column, Bill Simmons more or less predicts the Patriots’ Bledsoe-less Superbowl season.

PPS: Anyone who can name the song above (without using the Internet) gets a gold star. Email me here.

It may have made you rich, L. Ron, but it can’t regrow hair.

Citizens of Hopkinton, Massachusetts, where the Boston Marathon begins, complained of runners urinating, defecating, and throwing used tampons in their yards, despite the presence of 460 port-a-potties to prevent such occurrances (there were 20,000 entrants). Meanwhile, Hopkinton Marathon Committee Chairwoman Dorothy Ferriter doesn’t seem to understand what a “catch-22″ is. I quote, “It’s like a Catch-22. You have [the portable toilets] there but they’re not utilized.” Indeed.

At least this saved the runners from being in the same embarrassing (yet, in her case, heroic) situation that faced Uta Pippig back in 1996.

Mike Piazza, noted macho Catholic Republican/All-Star Catcher, who is so homophobic he once called a press conference to announce that he was not gay, is currently (and I mean right this second) having premarital sex with a Playboy model. As Catholicism dictates, however, he is confessing the sin to a priest every time he gets laid.

Piazza is also apparently uncomfortable enough with his sexual preference to reiterate to a Playboy writer his adamant and unflinching heterosexuality. Please. Like any gay man would want him.

OJ Simpson is getting an Osbornes-esque reality show. Unlike his murder trial, it will show events as they actually happened.

Not content with just being the newest example of what Barry Glassner called “the culture of fear,” Sars is also a tasty Taiwanese beverage!

Are you from Alabama? Are you a Republican? Then you might want to read this. If you have to write him in, remember that the second “e” in George is silent.

It doesn’t bode well when the most promising 80-100 (out of 1,000) sites we search reveal nothing.

You can lose in the playoffs, yet still advance, while the team that beat you is out of the tournament. Bend it Like Beckham (who had two goals in the game), indeed.