The Old Blog

Ingrid Newkirk, the President of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has written into her will some requests that border on insane. When the 53-year-old activist dies, she wants her feet made into umbrella stands (like elephants), her liver to be sent to Freedom…er, France to be made into foie gras (like geese), her flesh to be barbecued (like tasty, tasty cows), and her skin to be turned into wallets (also like the noble cow). She thinks that this will somehow convince people not to eat meat, but I just think her body products will end up on eBay. Lest you think she has a one-track mind, Newkirk’s will also stipulates that part of her heart be buried near a Formula One circuit. That’s right–the woman who has dedicated her life to saving animals is a big fan of one of the most wasteful, polluting (and therefore environment- and habitat-endangering) sports out there. How looney can you get?

There may be a little something to the claim that the NBA fixes their games after all. After deplorable officiating in Game 6 of the Western Conference Finals last year led some–including Ralph Nader and The Sports Guy (scroll down)–to believe that the league convinced its refs to help the Lakers beat the Kings, more questionable calls in last night’s Timberwolves 114-110 victory over the Lakers made people wonder if the National Basketball Association shouldn’t just rename itself the LBA (Lakers Basketball Association). As The Sports Guy pointed out, every time the NBA needed a big-market (ergo, big TV ratings) team to win over the last four years, the refs have seemingly been doing their best to help that team along. Commissioner Stern admitted that the refs made some egregious mistakes last night–two huge calls against Wally Sczerbiak and one that sent Kevin Garnett on the bench for almost all of overtime–but is he really disagreeing with his own secret agents, or is he trying to throw conspiracy theorists off the trail? There’s a reason last night’s game started so late…and it just might be that the NBA didn’t want half the country to watch its slimy little plan unfold.

Richard Anthony Delgaudio, noted conservative political figure and the man who called Bill Clinton “a lawbreaker and a terrible example to our nation’s young people,” pled guilty to producing child pornography. In addition to taking lewd pictures of a 16-year-old girl (and another, younger girl), he also had sex with her.

Say what you will about Clinton, but at least his women were of age.

Bud Selig showed his first semblance of clear judgment in years today when he announced that he will step down as Major League Baseball Commissioner when his current term expires on December 31, 2006. First Arafat and now Selig–Shawn Green must be ecstatic!

During my two-block round-trip between my (temporary) office and a pizza place, I saw a half-dozen posters for a missing white, foofy dog named “Chino.” The signs indicated a $500 reward to anyone who could return their dog. Five hundred bucks?! I know people love their pets, but at that price, why not just get a new dog (or three)? They could have saved their money on the color copies, too.

Of course, when a someone names its wussy fluff-dog Chino, you just know it eats at their table like a member of the family. To those of you who surmise that I never had a dog growing up, you’re damn right. And now, when I go home, my house doesn’t smell and I don’t find little hairs all over the dishes. The most expensive pet I ever had cost $3.99 to replace. And that was one of PetLand’s upscale gerbils.

Bonus Animal Post
Hate cats? Love UFOs? Read this.

Eric Neel gives some hilarious suggestions to make baseball fights more original and entertaining.

Talks with North Korea aren’t going too well. In addition, they’ve got the bomb.

Palestinian leader Yassir Arafat has stepped aside, if not down, from his position as head Palestinian by acquiescing to allow a new Prime Minister (Mahmoud Abbas) and Cabinet to lead the Palestinian State. The Bush Administration looks to restart Israeli-Palestinian peace negotiations as soon as the Cabinet is confirmed and in place. If Dubya succeeds where Clinton failed, it will cement his hold on the Ringo Starr “Right Place at the Right Time, Surrounded by the Right People” Award.

The “fictitious” Andrew Carlssin has disappeared, possibly into the future, according to the Weekly World News. I don’t know whether the made-up Carlssin indeed fled to the time of Christmas-yet-to-come, but wherever/whenever he is, I’m betting he didn’t skip town alone. That’s right: he’s on the lam with Batboy!
“Hold me, Batboy/Love Me, Batboy.”

In the biggest Minnesota-based upset of the night, Andrew Brunette’s overtime goal gave the Minnesota Wild a 3-2 overtime victory and a 4-games-to-3 series victory. The little team that could just did. In the second round, the Wild will face the Vancouver Canucks–the very team their fans had hoped they would face in the first round!

Meanwhile, in the Central time zone, the Minnesota Timberwolves trounced the L.A. Lakers, 119-91. They still don’t have homecourt advantage, and they’ll still lose the series in 5 games (6 if they’re lucky), but it was nice to see the Wolves dominate the three-time defending champs, if only for a night.

Steve Silver discusses the possibility of Minnesota’s new hockey team playing the old one (Dallas Stars) in the third round of the NHL playoffs, just as Minnesota’s new basketball team is playing the old one right now. (Scroll down to “Let’s Go Wild!”)