Freedom Mustard
French’s Mustard has been forced to take the Mike Piazza route and publicly deny an accusation that shouldn’t be an issue in the first place. Even though the mustard is made in America and is named after its company’s founder (Robert French), some restaurant-owning jackasses had to replace the American-made but French-sounding French’s Mustard with the American-made but German-sounding Heinz. Brilliant.
And in Other Stupid News…
1) Showcasing just how good their public schools are, some dumbass Texan vandal defaced a French-American’s garage door with graffiti reading, “Scum go back to France.” The woman has lived in the US for the past 23 years. If I were the Dixie Chicks, I’d be embarrassed about this moron being from my home state, as well.
2) Idiocy is not limited to Texas. Three branches of the French Cleaners dry cleaning business were vandalized last week: one was marred with obscene graffiti, one was shot at with a pellet gun, and one was burned down. Did I mention that the owners of these businesses are Assyrian, not French?
The perps in the two aforementioned stories should have king-sized eclairs forcibly shoved into their bodily crevices until the resulting combination of cholesterol and sweet, creamy filling gives them advanced, health-jeopardizing cases of sugar shock.