The Old Blog

Here are my picks for the upcoming baseball season. These are the same standings I entered in the 1st Annual Aaron’s Baseball Blog Pre-Season Predictions Contest.

AL EAST:
1) Yankees
2) Red Sox
3) Blue Jays
4) Orioles
5) D-Rays

AL CENTRAL:
1) Twins
2) White Sox
3) Cleveland
4) K.C.
5) Detroit

AL WEST:
1) Oakland
2) Anaheim
3) Seattle
4) Texas

NL EAST:
1) Phillies
2) Braves
3) Mets
4) Marlins
5) Expos

NL CENTRAL:
1) Cards
2) Astros
3) Cubs
4) Reds
5) Pirates
6) Brewers SUCK

NL WEST:
1) D-Backs
2) Giants
3) Dodgers
4) Padres
5) Rockies

AL CHAMPS: Oakland
NL CHAMPS: Cards
WORLD CHAMPS: Oakland

AL MVP: Jason Giambi
NL MVP: Barry Bonds

AL CY: Barry Zito
NL CY: Randy Johnson

AL ROY: Hideki Matsui
NL ROY: Hee Seop Choi

Jayson Stark is the only one of ESPN.com’s 25 baseball “experts” to predict that the Minnesota Twins will win the 2003 World Series. Meanwhile, Peter Gammons seems to have retracted his comments that the Twins are “the odds-on favorites to win the most games in the American League,” instead picking the Oakland A’s to meet (and beat) the Arizona Diamondbacks in this year’s Fall Classic. Given Gammons’ track record, perhaps there’s hope for the Twinkies after all. At least he didn’t pick the Red Sox, like Rob Neyer.

How do you turn $800 into $350 million within two weeks? There are three ways:
1) Hire a cheap hitman to kidnap Bill Gates’ wife, then extort the money out of him
2) Go overboard with insider trading
3) Come from the future, secure in your knowledge of how the stock market will act.

Andrew Carlssin claims to have used tactic number 3, while the authorities believe his actions more closely mirror number 2. It seems authorities grew suspicious when Carlssin made 126 high-risk trades and came out way ahead on every single one of them. Even Eddie Cicotte knew you couldn’t be that obvious when cheating.

In exchange for his freedom, Mr. Carlssin has kindly offered to tell where Osama bin Laden is hiding (you mean we still haven’t found him yet?) and what the cure for AIDS is. Strangely enough, the Security and Exchange Commission can’t find any evidence of Carlssin’s existence before December, 2002.

French’s Mustard has been forced to take the Mike Piazza route and publicly deny an accusation that shouldn’t be an issue in the first place. Even though the mustard is made in America and is named after its company’s founder (Robert French), some restaurant-owning jackasses had to replace the American-made but French-sounding French’s Mustard with the American-made but German-sounding Heinz. Brilliant.

And in Other Stupid News…
1) Showcasing just how good their public schools are, some dumbass Texan vandal defaced a French-American’s garage door with graffiti reading, “Scum go back to France.” The woman has lived in the US for the past 23 years. If I were the Dixie Chicks, I’d be embarrassed about this moron being from my home state, as well.

2) Idiocy is not limited to Texas. Three branches of the French Cleaners dry cleaning business were vandalized last week: one was marred with obscene graffiti, one was shot at with a pellet gun, and one was burned down. Did I mention that the owners of these businesses are Assyrian, not French?

The perps in the two aforementioned stories should have king-sized eclairs forcibly shoved into their bodily crevices until the resulting combination of cholesterol and sweet, creamy filling gives them advanced, health-jeopardizing cases of sugar shock.

The US House of Representatives has put forth a bill asking Dubya to designate a day of fasting and prayer to help the US win the war. Say it with me, kids: Separation. Of. Church. And. State.
Asking God to help the US win the war is like asking Him/Her to help win the Superbowl. I can’t believe we elected these people.

The 2003 baseball season starts Sunday night. In honor of this, I have written haikus for all 29 major league teams (and one for Tampa Bay). Here’s the American League–the National League will appear on Saturday.

Anaheim Angels
Halos killed Giants
But can they dispatch with that
Damn Rally Monkey?

Boston Red Sox
Always a bridesmaid.
Sabermetric geniuses
Won’t put them in first.

Baltimore Orioles
Ripken plays no more
Expos as future neighbors?
At least Camden’s nice.

Chicago White Sox
It won best picture
But the Academy ain’t
Voting on baseball.

Cleveland Indians
Rebuilding after
“Dynasty,” though they should have
won the Series first.

Detroit Tigers
Their Pujols was Luis.
That is all you need to know
’bout this crappy team.

Kansas City Royals
At last fired Muser.
Might just finish third this year.
Damn, the Central sucks.

Minnesota Twins
Gammons thinks they’ll win.
So did I until I read
His gossip column.

New York Yankees
First first first first first
Playoffs for the ninth straight year.
Hub still thinks they suck.

Oakland Athletics
They will win the West
In Tejada’s best season.
And, with them, his last.

Seattle Mariners
Free-fall continues
Only Rangers’ pitching woes
Keep Ms out of last.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays
They don’t even try.
Why weren’t they contracted by
(Not My) Bud Selig?

Texas Rangers
A-Rod, Rocker, Carl?
One out of three isn’t bad.
That goes for talent, too.

Toronto
They will soon be known
As Canada’s only team.
At least they’re not French.

According to this article, Saddam Hussein donated nearly a half-million dollars to a Detroit Catholic church in 1980 and was awarded with the key to the city. I wonder if they’ve changed the locks.

I recently received this email in my junk folder:

The Facts…
Before continuing, lets take a look at these sad, but true facts:

The average erect penis size is just 6.16″. Over 90% of all men posses this size. 85% of all men cannot have intercourse longer than 3 minutes, before ejaculating due to an underdeveloped and weak PC Muscle.
30 Million men in the USA alone suffer from Erectile Dysfunction (Impotence) The majority of men have very poor blood circulation to the penis.

By age 29, 96% of men cannot gain erections 1/5 as much as when they were 20. Over 98% of men would increase the size of their penis if they knew how.

93% of Women have never achieved an orgasm during intercourse, and 76% admit that they are dissatisfied with their partners sexual performance.

Now I’m certainly not one to toot my own sexual horn (so to speak), but don’t some of these number look a little…low? 85% of men cannot have intercourse longer than 3 minutes? 96% of men lose 80% of their erectile function in the decade between 20 and 30 years of age? 93% of women have never achieved orgasm through intercourse? Talk about aiming at the self-conscious…

The New York Press has released its annual “50 Most Loathsome New Yorkers” list. It goes from Michael Moore and Ann Coulter to Woody Allen and Yoko Ono–with stops at Henry Kissinger, Martha Stewart, and Carson Daly on the way. And in ninth place? Cocaine.

Greg Vaughn says he was “relieved” to find out he had been released by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, perenially the worst team in baseball. Here’s the quote:

I don’t have to go out there every single time now and feel like I have to drive in three runs or get a hit every single time.

As someone on the Rob Neyer Message Board put it, how about just not sucking?

Vaughn’s salary this year is over 9 million dollars, and it’s guaranteed, whether he plays or not. In other news, my stepmother has been teaching special-education students and other elementary children for over two decades, and she won’t be able to comfortably retire for years.