The Old Blog

That’s my guess. Whereas Bush the elder sent us into Iraq/Kuwait just prior to the Superbowl in ’91 (thus allowing Whitney Houston to make history with history’s best vocal recording of the Star Spangled Banner), Bush the junior will wait until his State of the Union Address Tuesday night. Think about it; the inspectors are supposed to finish up Monday, from what I understand, and America will be looking for a conflict (especially with March Madness 5 weeks away, baseball two months away, and the NHL and NBA playoffs in the more distant future).
So next week’s schedule is as follows:
Sunday: Superbowl
Monday: Inspection ends (and Joe Millionaire)
Tuesday: State of the Union/War Declaration (and possibly American Idol)
Wednesday: Backlash against the war (and The Bachelorette)

Stay tuned!!

Just when you thought we had eradicated it from our country, a US college student was recently diagnosed with scurvy. The student was apparently living on cheese, crackers, soda, cookies, chocolate and water–so close to Jared’s Subway diet, and yet so far.

PS: Sad as it is, I have a friend who doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables (they give him stomach problems), and I’d hate to see this happen to him. So Dan, please eat a salad so you don’t end up like the aforementioned scurvy kid.

OK it’s not a swindle, but it is annoying that McSweeney’s is only printing teasers this week.

Despite being almost universally picked to win the NFC Championship Game, the Eagles blew it against Tampa Bay, losing 27-10. (Did anybody notice in the link above that Merrill Hoge has gone 0-6 the last two weeks? This guy’s getting paid to predict football games, and he’s 0 for two weeks!) And while I got the score correct in my prediction, I reversed the teams. Meanwhile, the Raiders beat the Titans, as Rich Gannon threw three touchdown passes and ran for a fourth.

This Superbowl is a TV Network’s dream. The Number One Offense versus the Number One Defense. Plenty of loquacious players on each side, and both teams playing for pride as well as bragging rights (Oakland because they feel they were ripped off in the tuck rule game last year; Tampa Bay because come January, they choke worse than someone on the wrong end of a botched Heimlich Maneuver). In addition, both coasts are represented, so there is no loss of viewers due to “fly-over land syndrome.” And finally, they have the John-Gruden’s-new-team-against-his-old-one subplot.

So who will win Pirate Bowl I?
ABC.
Haha. I jest. The Raiders will emerge victorious for two reasons:
1) The law of averages will coax Tampa’s offense back to Earth.
2) The Football Gods are sick of Warren Sapp and Keyshawn Johnson, to say nothing of John “Chucky” Gruden.
2.5) The game is in San Diego, which means the Raiders will have a distinct crowd advantage due to proximity and San Diego being an AFC city.

Sadly, viewers of the big game will miss out on a Nike commercial, as the shoe company has decided against buying a spot this year. That’s too bad, because their current streaker ad is a riot. In completely unrelated news (wink wink), Reebok bought an commercial spot for the first time in a few years. In even more news, Jimmy Kimmel’s new show debuts after the game. While I don’t think Conan has anything to worry about, the show will be worth a glimpse, if only because the Sports Guy (link on the right) is on the writing staff.

Final: Radiers 31, Chucky Bucs 17

Yesterday was the 30th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. And yes, I know that both women are now pro-life (“anti-choice,” according to my high school friend Adam Marshak). I also know that this is an issue about which few people change their minds. So I’m not going to go over why I personally wish more people would proselytize to being pro-choice. Instead, I thought I’d quote my remarkable girlfriend, re: the church groups who stand outside the Planned Parenthood near me on Saturdays with picket signs and fetus models:

I believe those people really think they’re doing something to make the world a better place, but what they don’t realize is that if they spent this time bringing their church group to a soup kitchen or doing charity work, it would help the world (and society) even more.

Bonus Post!!
My wonderful girlfriend’s brilliant sister, the intrepid Ashley Johnson, volunteered as an escort outside that very Planned Parenthood (the same Planned Parenthood that witnessed John Salvi’s bombing and killing of two receptionists on December 30, 1994). One of the other volunteers, who had years of escorting experience related to her a story about a woman who was outside every Saturday morning, protesting and harrassing people who were trying to enter and exit the building. This woman, in addition to being loud and annoying, also had the peculiar habit of only wearing purple. The escorts called her “Purple Lady.” One day, shortly after Jerry Falwell made his comments about the Teletubbies being gay, an escort approached her and said, “Hey, thanks for wearing purple and supporting Tinky-Winky and the homosexual community.” She never showed up in purple again.

Jerry Thacker, a graduate and former faculty member of ultra-conservative Bob Jones University will soon be named to the Presidential Advisory Comission on HIV and AIDS, despite calling the disease a “gay plague.” There are two big problems with this:
1) HIV/AIDS are not by any means restricted to homosexuals, which a person on an HIV/AIDS Presidential commission should know, and
2) Both Thacker and his wife have AIDS! And unless they’re both homosexual (which I doubt), they know it’s not just a “gay disease.”

If a lesbian or gay man were named to some sort of “family values board,” conservatives from Fox News to the Deep South would be protesting. So where is the outrage against Thacker?

Roughly 100 unopened absentee ballots from the infamous 2000 Presidential Election have been found in a file cabinet belonging to Florida Election Supervisor Miriam Oliphant. And while their contents probably would not have changed the result of the election from hell, one has to wonder what exactly is going on down in Jeb-land.

While Babe Ruth may or may not have said this in the 1932 World Series, St. Louis Rams receiver Isaac Bruce definitely had the following exchange with a reporter when explaining how he called on Jesus for protection while his car was in the midst of flipping over during an accident:

Reporter: ”Did you say ‘Jesus, Jesus, Jesus?’ Or just ‘Jesus?’ ”

Bruce: ”It was one Jesus; that’s all it takes.”

Read the whole article (stupid questions by sportswriters) at ESPN.com.

Riding the postseason of my life (7-1 so far), I hereby give you your Superbowl teams:

Tampa Bay at Philly
Tampa Bay’s defense is the best in the NFL, but their offense is fair-to-middlin’. Philly’s D is nearly the best, and their offense isn’t far behind. Tampa Bay has lost to the Eagles in the playoffs the last two years; they have made the playoffs every year since ’98 and still haven’t seen the Superbowl (although the intro to their website is pretty good). The addition of the most overrated wideout in the NFL hasn’t helped their offense any. Oh yes, and game-time temperature in Philly is going to be 27 degrees–unless that’s Celsius, Tampa is in trouble. The last game at Foxboro Stadium was one for the ages, and the Football Gods will once again bless the home team Sunday.
Final: Philly 27, Chucky Bucs 10

Tennessee at Oakland
Tennessee’s Steve McNair has a bum thumb and has missed three days of practice this week. Running back Eddie George suffered a concussion during the Titans’ win last Saturday. Oakland has the NFL’s MVP, the best receiver (and one of the top 5 players) in history, the league’s rowdiest fans, and will be playing at home. Who would you pick?
Final: Raiders 31, Titans 17

If anybody gets the above reference (and a good chunk of you will), send me an email.

The Twins signed outfielder Torii Hunter to a four-year, $32 million contract today, signifying either owner Carl Pohlad’s desire to win, or GM Terry Ryan’s influence over the octogenarian owner. The only arbitration-eligible Twins left to sign are Jacques Jones and Doug (you thought “Hrbek” was spelled weird) Mientkiewicz. Hunter was easily the most important of the three to get under contract, as Jones has no idea where the strike zone is and Mientkiewicz hits like a second baseman.