The Old Blog

In the last week, this is what we have seen:

NBA:
1) Ron Artest was suspended for four games following a bizarre incident in which he had a run-in with Miami Heat coach Pat Riley and flipped off the Miami fans–in the same game! Was a four-game suspension warranted? Not for that action alone, but since it he is a repeat violator (earlier this season he smashed a $100,000 TV camera and was only suspended 1 game and fined $35,000), I have no problem with it. David Stern is still the best commissioner in American Sports, and he is trying to maintain some semblance of authority. We can’t hand 18-year-olds millions of dollars and unlimited attention, and then expect them to behave like perfect gentlemen (we’re talking to you, LeBron James). The NBA needs to figure out how to raise the maturity level of its younger players–or maybe it should just raise its minimum age.

2) Speaking of LeBron, “King James” (as he likes to be called) is in hot water again because he stupidly accepted two jerseys worth $845 from a local sporting goods store. If he’s going to make decisions like this, he will be quite a handful for the NBA.

MLB:
1) Fomer NL MVP Ken Caminiti has apparently violated his probation and has been using cocaine–though at least he’s not using steroids anymore.

2) The Boston Red Sox announced that single-game tickets will go on sale this weekend, after allowing the season ticket holders first dibs (and thus basically guaranteeing that Yankees games and holiday games–including opening day–will be sold out by the time the general public gets a chance to buy anything). Combined with closing off Yawkey way to non-ticket holders (and non-Red Sox-approved vendors), the new Sox management has their heads up their collective rear ends regarding their fan base. The Red Sox are still a team with blue-collar fans, and it would not be wise to overlook them.

3) MLB’s most senior umpire, Bruce Froemming, called umpiring administrator Cathy Davis a “Stupid, Jew bitch.” Thankfully, he was suspended without pay, and relieved of his duty to work the opening series in Tokyo.

NFL:
1) Kicker Mike Vanderjagt, while correct in his comments that Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy lack the passion or know-how to succeed in the playoffs, chose an incredibly stupid way to make those comments known: national (albeit Canadian) television. If he had this much of a problem, he should have approached the team about it–especially considering he’s a kicker, and the big guys don’t like the little guys telling them how to play.

2) OJ’s daughter, 17-year-old Sydney Simpson, called 911 after a fight with her father, apparently hoping they could come break it up. Who out there still thinks OJ was innocent?

Auto Racing
In what ranks up there with ten-cent beer night on the list of stupid promotions, Miller Lite has decided to give all legal-age fans a coupon for a free six-pack if Rusty Wallace wins the Daytona 500. Yeah, let’s let thousands of people watch cars go really fast, then give them coupons for six packs and have them all drive home. Brilliant. It would actually be less dangerous to give everyone a couple joints. At least that way, they’d hang out in the stands, watching the lights and occasionally visiting the concessions.

NHL
Aside from having two teams in bankruptcy and coaches being fired at the rate of 3 per week, the NHL seems to be doing fine.

And is there anything Right with sports?
Yes!
1) Both Allen Iverson and Tracy McGrady offered Michael Jordan their starting spots in what looks to be his last NBA All-Star game, out of respect for the game’s history and for Jordan himself. And while the offerings are a nice gesture in and of themselves, the best part is that Jordan declined them; he will come off the bench for his 14th and probably final All-Star Game.

2) Two PGA tournaments have offered invitations for leading LPGA money winner Annika Sorenstam to play in their events. I’d say Sorenstam is like the Tiger Woods of female golf, but that would be an insult to her–she is dominating the field and breaking records like no one in recent memory.

3) Could a guy who looks like this:

Have any other last name than “Satan”?

Who’s on the cover of The Sporting News?

Why it’s America’s Team, the Kontraction Kids, the Thorn in Bud Selig’s Slimy Side, the one and only Minnesota Twins!

Rah!
(And while you’re at it, please check on the link for Bud Selig above. Googlism has never been more correct!)

Not that I didn’t hear that all the freakin’ time in high school…

What are the odds that Jeremy Blachman would live (and blog) so close to Jeremy Wahlman? According to the fine people at GeoURL, we are but a mile away. Of course, I’m an unemployed film major, whereas Mr. Blachman is a law student, so the figurative distance is much, much farther.

Reebok’s “Terry Tate: Office Linebacker” was widely seen as one of the best Superbowl commercials last Sunday. Unfortunately for Reebok, people aren’t necessarily associating the commercial with the brand. In fact, it seems that more people remember the name of Terry Tate’s company (Felcher and Sons) more than the real-life company the ad was for. According to ESPN.com, only 55% of people could recall that Reebok made the spots. And while Budweiser or Nike can get away with advertising in that vein, Reebok cannot. They’re in danger of falling victim to “That’s a Spicy Meat-a-ball Syndrome,” in which people remember commercials, but not the company behind them. (Alka-Seltzer, if you were wondering.) Other Superbowl commercials to exhibit this syndrome include that “Herding Cats” commercial (Electronic Data Systems) and the one where wolves chased a marching band all over the football field (Cyberian Outpost, which was bought out, downsized, and sold).

The other irony, however, is that people are decreasing their productivity by spending time at work downloading a commercial that shows the disastrous effects of decreased productivity.

Evan isn’t the only person on Joe Millionaire with a secret. The Smoking Gun reports that Sarah Kozer, one of the three finalists on the show, was in scores of fetish and bondage films (though not porn, as some people have inferred from the word “bondage”). Now I really hope she wins, if only to see this conversation:
Evan: I have a secret for you; I’m not really rich.
Sarah: I have a secret for you; I was in dozens of bondage films.
Evan: Whoa. Well considering my IQ is lower than my shoe size, I’m impressed! By the way, I really am a millionaire, and I just lied when I said I had been lying.
Sarah: I can’t follow all this. Wanna tie me up?
Evan: I don’t know how to do knots…Paul?
Paul: Yes, Evan?
Evan: Could you tie us up?
Paul: Certainly. I hope FOX delivers on that promise to give me the lead in “Who Wants to Marry a Butler?”

And for more info on what a spoiled rotten brat Melissa Mowery is, check out CJ’s column in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune. I really hate to see people perpetuating a stereotype about themselves, and Ms. Mowery is as bad a Jewish-American Princess as I ever saw in high school (St. Jewish Park) or college (Boston Jewniversity)–and I saw plenty in both places. The Jewish Anti-Defamation League should be on her like lox on a bagel.

This Just In
Trista (the Bachelorette) and Russ (the smarmy writer) may have met before they were cast in “The Bachelorette.” This could go a long ways towards explaining why she’s kept such an obvious slimeball around so damn long. Unfortunately, I only have one source for this, and it ain’t exactly primary.

While just about everyone has made one of those “if we’re both still unmarried when we’re blah blah years old, we’ll tie the knot” deals, how many of you have thought about long-term bets? If you answered “I have!” then Longbets is for you. The idea is simple: people put forth a bet, a timeframe, and a dollar amount, and someone else takes them up on it. It’s philanthropic, too; all of the winnings from the site have to go to charity. And while a good chunk of them are technology-related (and a lot have time frames beyond the bettors lifespans), there are some funny ones, too.
My favorite: The US men’s soccer team will win the World Cup before the Red Sox win the World Series.

Like Matt Thomas, I don’t quite understand the need for the State of the Union Address to be interrupted by clapping scores of times throughout the night. It turns a 15-minute speech into an hour-long Mamet-esque frustration (just…let your characters speak in full sentences, David!!). This has nothing to do with political beliefs, as I was just as sick of it when watching Clinton’s speeches. It’s all just political posturing; the party in power will clap for anything the President says, no matter how nutty or stupid, while the non-presidential party will clap for any innocuous comment that nobody with a conscience could disagree with. (This is why Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms didn’t clap much, by the way.)
“I believe that children need to eat to survive.”
*20 seconds of clapping*
“And furthermore, if they are hungry, someone should feed them.”
*Another 20 seconds of clapping*
“Children are…”
*20 seconds of clapping*
“important to their parents.”
*60 seconds of clapping, standing ovation, and whistles of agreement–possibly a “You go, George”*
The only interesting part about this phenomenon is noticing who doesn’t applaud for what. There were a few shots of Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, and other notable Democrats making themselves conspicuous with their absence of clapping. In fact, Teddie K. seemed to be asleep at one point during the Iraq portion of the speech.

And as an aside, has anyone else noticed that the only color in the chamber was from the female attendees’ outfits? In a sea of navy, you could pick out a good number of the females present by the red dresses they wore.

Esteemed magazine National Geographic is publishing a newsstand-only Swimsuit Issue. The issue, which will go on sale February 1, purports to be a scientific study of the history of the swimsuit. Uh-huh. And Hustler is all about worshipping women.
I have to admit, I’m not sure what all the fuss is about, though. As any 13-year-old boy can tell you, National Geographic already shows more naked women than Playboy.

LaMara Jones, a women living in North Pole, Alaska, received the leg bones and body tissue of her late father in the mail recently. Apparently, her father had died three years ago in North Dakota, and his body was exhumed for some sort of DNA test to prove that Ms. Jones was the true heir to his estate. Ms. Jones, meanwhile, thought the package was a “LobsterGram” at first.
Who in their right mind would send someone’s leg bones in the mail to his daughter? Identigene laboratory director Laura Gahn, of Houston, Texas. Who says scientists don’t have a sense of humor?

Thanks to the freestylin’ Hillary Johnson for this link.

Wife Swap, yet another reality show the US copied from Britain, is on its way to a TV near you. The concept of the show is simple: wives swap families and homes (but not sex partners… yet…) for two weeks, while hilarity ensues. The aforementioned hilarity is aided by the selection of the wives; such as a racist white woman getting paired with a sexist black man. And while this may all seem novel to most people, it reminds me of a certain spousal trade the New York Yankees pulled off a couple decades ago.